S. Mahil's Story:
The worst thing about having severe depression and anxiety is that it's frowned upon in our society. If you mention the word "depression" or "mental health", a lot of people associate it with being "crazy". I've had anxiety and depression since the age of 13 and it wasn't diagnosed until I was 20. To be completely honest, Google diagnosed it for me. I re-call years ago, mentioning to my family that I wasn't feeling good emotionally, that I cry all the time and I don't know why. Can you imagine how it feels not knowing why you're crying all the time? Can you imagine your loved ones telling you that it’s all in your head? But you can't blame them because they don’t know any better.
There is also that decision to use prescribed medication or not to use. Because when you're using medication you can't feel a thing, but when you're not using medication you feel TOO MUCH. I couldn't find a balance. I missed having that genuine happiness when I was a child, like y’know getting happy over a chocolate bar. My parents used love, money, religion, and independence as a means to make me happy. I had EVERYTHING. Yet I’d cry myself to sleep every night. Nothing made sense. I was isolating myself from everything and everyone. There were days where I would socialize like no tomorrow, and then days where I wouldn’t see anyone for weeks and just stay in my room. I felt pathetic.
My mom had 4am shifts but spent her hours holding me from 12-3am every other night because that’s when my anxiety decided to visit. My dad would be at work but would stay on the phone until I fell asleep. My parents came to understand eventually, it wasn’t easy on them or me. A part of me held guilt for putting them through seeing their child like this, but letting the emotions out was needed. When you bottle them up, you’re increasing your suffering.
After years of visiting therapists and doctors I realized I was trying too hard to be happy. I realized I wasn’t fixing the problems yet I was expecting happiness. I was still dealing with the toxic bullshit that I’ve been dealing with for years. I still kept in touch with toxic family and friends, I still let people put me down, I still let people abuse and violate me like it was okay to do so.
​
Two years I ago made changes in my life. I cut loose all the relationships and people that had any sort of negative impact on my life. The end of it left me with two good close friends and my parents along with major improvement with my mental health. I see people reaching out to me to be friends constantly but it’s hard, not because I don’t want to welcome you into my life but more because I won’t risk my peace for anything or anyone ever again. The thing with recovery is that you can take your time. If you aren’t ready for drastic change, then it doesn’t have to happen until you want it to. The people around you should respect that and if they don’t, they aren’t worth associating yourself with. I came to realize that self-acceptance and self-love was the beginning of finding peace and happiness within. Put yourself first, everything else second. Your mental health is important, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
